so to continue from yesterday… we’re going to have a little work out area “home gym” and i’m totally excited about it! with a 3 yr old, i can’t always make it to the gym, because now they have less availability in the drop in area on base. :( but now i’ll be able to work out at home, keeping up my strength, good for my health and to work on the smokin hot body underneath all this insulation… ;) i have some high hopes. let’s hope i can climb that mountain! :)
A lot has dawned on me lately… I was feeling badly about myself seeing the numbers on the scale going up instead of down. You see I’ve been working out and trying to lose weight, but my mistake was weighing myself. Then today I put on my clothes and they felt like I had been wearing them all day, loose and comfy. Didn’t click in yet…. I’m going about my day, walking…walking…walking, lifting, squatting, etc. Only when I look in my rear view window on my drive home and see my 3 yr old passed out did it hit me- i’ve just been listening to Disney Kid’s on Sirius for the past 30 minutes while he’s been snoring, yes snoring! and How awesome that I wore HIM out instead of the other way around, which is how it usually is! So it must be muscle weight and not I’m getting bigger weight. :)
Got my order in, finally… I LOVE MY SCENTSY SWEAT SHIRT!!!! :)
The antenna situation…. I cancelled cable to save us some $, because well, we honestly didn’t watch it that much and we were paying for every channel available! Well, the first one I got- you get what you pay for! (it was only $10) But tonight after hooking up the second one, I have that independent confidence I used to have. oh, and a huge smile! :) I have forgotten what it feels like to really accomplish something. It’s been relapse after relapse and literally losing half of my body. It takes it’s toll on your emotions. Your self confidence.
I’m hungry for dinner now so this will have to be a ttyl post. ;)
Just know… I’M FEELING GREAT!!! about myself, about life, about you name it! :) things are starting to fall into place! :)
may or may not, that is the question.
lately it has been hitting me just how uncertain the future is. what if we can’t ride out the rest of his career? we have no plan. what will we do? where will we go? how will we financially survive? the ant and the grasshopper story keeps flashing thru my head a lot lately. we have not prepared. for anything. we have not prepared for anything. i have no idea what i can even do. neither of us knows what we want after usmc. at this moment i wish we could go back knowing what we know now. it would save a lot of anxiety on my part. if only we could go back knowing what we know now. but we can’t, so we have to start today. what will we do? i have no idea! where will we go? now that i’m actually starting to like our house, i think i’d like to stay in this house as long as we possibly can. how will we be able to afford the mortgage? how do you decide what to do when you have no idea just what it is you want to do?! what to do… what to do… i have no idea!
as a military person or spouse you should never ever get comfortable somewhere because that day will come when they tell you that you are going to (insert location here). and there’s nothing you can do about it! that’s my possible situation as of currently. we’ve been here 10 yrs. we haven’t been like so many that when you get somewhere you unpack your stuff, you learn your area, you make some friends, you get your ducks in a row only to have to pack your stuff and go somewhere else to do it all over again. we were lucky. we’re kinda settled. this became home. i have to try to remember back when we got married a little over 10 years ago and i left the only place i had ever known and all the people i ever knew. it was a struggle for me. but the difference between then and now is that we have a house we’re responsible for and if we can’t get someone in asap we’re screwed. i fear we’ll lose this house. it is something HUGE and no wonder i have anxiety abt it. also we have 3 dogs, where can we go with 3 dogs? if we get base housing only 2 dogs allowed, then how do you choose which one is no longer a member of the family? how do you get rid of so much of your belongings because you will not again get a 2600+ sq ft house? how do u not freak out with this big of a change? how do you handle going to the other side of the country where you will know no one and no where? especially when you have so many health conditions. if i was a “normal” person i don’t think i’d be freaking out as bad, i’d still be freaking out don’t get me wrong, but i don’t think it would be as bad. this is so terrifying. but i have no voice in this, it’s not my job on the line, it’s my husband’s. i go where he goes. i have to keep telling myself that. it’s not up to me. i have to get my big girl panties on and learn how to deal with this completely terrifying possible change that may or may not happen. and that’s another thing. i don’t have a time line. it may or may not happen, but i have no idea when we’ll find out. should i start packing now to make it easier for me later? or do i even need to do that cuz we’re staying? i really hate this, just hanging in there and you’ll let me know when you let me know. in the meantime… trying to control my intense anxiety of this may or may not happen situation.
…until next time…
once upon a time?
so where do i begin? if only i knew then what i know now… if only there was a do over in life. i’d give one of my 9 lives to do it all over again, if i knew then what i know now. but i’m not a cat either. i know they say there are no mistakes in life, that everything happens for a reason and it’s a life lesson. it’s something that makes us who we are. i don’t want to be who i am tho. i wanna go back to who i was. i want to be oblivious to everything, happy and hopeful. innocent. believe only good things happen. i want to go back under my rock. it’s all my fault tho because i let it happen. i never said no. but this isn’t how it played out in my head either.
i want to go back to playing barbies under my grandma’s coffee table. i want to go back to the summers i spent with my grandparents. i want to go back to the days of playing game after game of rummy with my mom and singing christmas songs in the dreadful heat of july in south florida. i want to go back to those summers i spent on the water fishing and catching a tan in the breeze. i want to go back when my biggest disappointment was that i misunderstood my math test when it had pictures of stuff and i was literal about “how many are left” and i got every answer wrong, because i counted the ones on the left. not only did the teacher write that she was disappointed because she knew i could do better, but i was disappointed that it didn’t really mean how many are left. :( but that’s life, it’s not all what you think it is. and i’m pretty sure i’d give myself an ‘F’ at this test too. i did not sit back and read all the questions and think ahead before i answered. i just leaped with the hope that it would all turn out ok. and with this, i know i could have done so much better- i am disappointed in myself yet again.
people keep telling me “that doesn’t happen in real life, only in the movies”. well then, i wish i was in a movie. so if this was a movie it would go something like this: my character wouldn’t be the lead because i don’t need to be the focus of the story, but i would like to be an important part of the story. my character would have a best friend she’s had all her life and they can practically finish each others thoughts without thinking what would come next. she would have her mom throughout the entire film, cuz every girl needs her mom. i know my life would be a whole lot better if mine was still in it. :’( she would have that great father-daughter relationship where she was his little girl and he called her princess or pumpkin even when she was no longer a little girl. i can’t go more into detail on the father-daughter relationship because i would have no idea on how to relate to that. and i wouldn’t exactly know what i’d want her to have either. she would have an awesome older brother who was super protective over her. and they would like play basket ball in the drive way everyday or something awesome like that. he’d drive her to school everyday and warn her about what guys are really like. she’d also have a younger sister. someone she could sign out of school “for a dr appt” and really head to get an icecream and a movie with. she’d be the cool older sister and teach her younger sister all about make up and boys and stuff like that. every week they’d have a family game night, which everyone kept doing even after high school because they all went to college not far from home and were even able to make the family dinner every sunday with grandma and grandpa. and one day when she meets the man of her dreams it is an instant “you just know they’re THE ONE” kinda moment. her family accepts him as one of their own and his family loves her with open arms. it’s sickeningly perfect. he is romantic, but not too romantic. after dating for a year and things are pretty serious and they both feel like they really couldn’t live without the other one, he goes to her parents one day while she is at work or school or having a girl’s day with her little sister, and he tells them how much he loves their little girl and he would love for their blessing to ask her to marry him. her dad smiles and nods and her mom is smiling with tears in her eyes, they look to each other and then to him and at the same time say, “yes of course!” and i haven’t quite figured out the proposal yet, but it’s something to be remembered! maybe they are out to dinner one night and he pops the question? maybe he takes her on a hot air balloon ride? or.. or.. or.. who knows how it happens, but the important thing is that it does happen. and it totally takes her breath away and brings happy tears to her eyes. they both are very involved in the wedding planning, he is as excited about the big day as she is. her dad walks his little princess down the aisle and gives her to her prince. he asks her older brother to be his best man, and her bff is of course her brides maid. they go on the most romantic honeymoon and buy a house in their home town near both of their parents. makes the weekly game night and sunday dinners a tradition to carry on and his parents now join in. it is the greatest love story. it is the greatest life story. and as every story should end, and the all lived happily ever after.
this will have to be edited and finished later because i have a screaming 2 year old to tend to at the moment… :ol
so last night we skyped before bed, which went totally well til mikey decided it was bedtime. about 8-8:30pm he will just head up the stairs which is totally cute. not in his own room again yet, but i’m workin on it. so i had a terrible headache and nothing would make it go away and i couldn’t go to sleep. suddenly i feel like i’m getting sick and wouldn’t you know, i wake up with a cold! poor mikey caught it too and his is worse than mine is. tossing and turning all night wondering when my head was going to explode, i finally fell asleep just as mikey woke up. but isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work out?
so this morning was a rough start. and as much as i felt like i was going to be sick i tried to have something to eat today. kept down my breakfast! :) then around lunch time i actually felt hungry and not this overwhelming “i’m gonna vomit right now” feeling. it was great. i figured it was ok since i haven’t had much to eat lately, i nibbled on some rice pudding. kept that down too! and after our movie this evening i had an appetite again for dinner! i’m totally shocked at how much i’ve eaten and kept down today! it’s great! now it’s up to my body to keep this an ongoing thing! still have a headache, and i still feel like crap from my cold, but not getting sick and not being overwhelmingly nauseous today was wonderful! :)
seeing as it’s wednesday and almost 8pm, i wish you all a great night and head upstairs to take my meds and get some sleep. (mon, wed and fri is when i take my shots, that’s why that’s noted…) *speaking of my shots tho, the other day it popped in my head that when mikey is a little older he’s probably going to think i’m a drug addict with the needles and all the meds i’m on. lol. was kinda funny, but kinda NOT!
oh and i totally forgot to mention that we tried the potty today. i had him stand on a little step stool so he could reach, but joey said to just have him sit. so he sat and i stood and together we waited… after about 5 or 10 minutes (it felt like a long time) he grabbed toilet paper and put it between his legs and i laughed. then we washed our hands and put a diaper on. but i made him go get the diaper and it was so funny he kept trying to put it on as he was standing up. i’m not forcing it, but i’m leaving the option there for him to learn about potty training. little steps.
title currently undecided…
so i tend to lose friends for one reason or another, this has happened to me a few times now… i make plans with someone and have the courtesy to call and say i won’t be making it, unlike several people have done to me- just not show up or even call. i cancelled on someone one time because i was attacked by a dog and had to go to the er. then i forgot to pick up my Rx before leaving the hospital and had to go back the next day after work, so i called to say i’d be late did they still want me to come over or resched? they hung up on me. so i called a few days later to see how things were going and they like no crap screamed and yelled at me and said they never wanted anything to do with me again. gee, i’m so sorry i was attacked by a dog and had to cancel and then the next day i was going to be late so i called to inform them. well like not even a month later, a couple weeks i guess, i was attacked by another dog (neither of these were my dogs…). and they said that was the last straw. they found it hard to believe that something always came up, and especially 2 dog attacks in the same month. i still have the scars to prove it. it took me a while to get over how the friendship ended. it hurt a lot. and then every once in a while they’ll email me asking how i’ve been and what’s been going on in my life. i have never responded.
more so recently i have been going thru a lot. i have multiple sclerosis for one thing. it’s a very unpredictable incurable brain disease. most people don’t really know what it is and i don’t think they bother to find out. most people will see me fine one day and then not the next. i’m accussed of faking all the time. i am on so much medication it fills the top drawer of my night stand. the entire thing. and in early may i went to the er and immediately admitted to icu for life threatening pneumonia with complications. they had to drain over a liter of infected fluid out of my lungs, oh yeah i had 2 collapsed lungs. and then while i was in there i had the flu too so i was in quarantine. i haven’t fully recovered from the pneumonia yet, i’ve gone back to work and it’s been rough for me. i like getting out and the fact that i’m contributing financially, but i’m in soooo much pain. my dr is switching me off of my one medication that is absolutely wonderful as far as helping out with the pain, but it makes me gain weight like crazy!!! so she’s weaning me off it and onto another pill. i take a low dose and then increase it every few days, when i take the next dose i’m usually sick for a day or 2 until my body gets used to it and then it’s time to increase it again so i’m sick again for a day or 2. i’ve cancelled a few hang out’s with ppl during these times. i don’t plan to always be sick. i don’t plan to always cancel stuff. but this is my life. this has always been my life. it’s why i don’t really have friends. i know, joey’s told me to stop telling people i don’t have friends, it doesn’t make me look good at all. but it’s the truth. ppl just can’t deal with me being sick or always cancelling plans. so i’m going off that one medicine that makes me gain weight like u wouldn’t believe to try out another drug. which in less than 1 week i lost 10lbs and i didn’t change a thing in my daily routine! that right there shows you how the medicine was! unfortunately i’m going to have to go back on the other stuff because i’m in sooo much pain again. i hurt to sit, to stand, to lay down and it still hurts to breathe. everytime i inhale it feels like i’m being stabbed.
i hate that ppl get upset because i take the courtesy to call and cancel rather than just not showing up. i’m sorry ppl get pissed off because my life sucks and is so darn unpredictable that i have to at last minute cancel plans. do you think i find it thrilling to be so exhausted i will literally sleep 24 hrs straight?! multiple sclerosis is different for each person that has it. with me i have such dibilitating fatigue and pain. i have to sleep with a heating pad- everynight, i have to use a TENS unit along with a ton of meds for the pain- on a regular basis (as in a few times a day or more), and it never takes it completely away, it kinda gets it to a manageable level. i get migraines… if you’ve never had one before, be so thankful!!! mine are so bad i can’t open my eyes and i vomit. i remember plenty of times i’d pull in my driveway and lay there with the a/c on freezing and put on my sunglasses and text joey to bring me my ear plugs. when they are sooo bad and sooo frequent this is how i live, wearing my ear plugs and sunglasses on a constant basis. the tiniest of noises is so excruciatingly painful. depending what part of my brain is being affected (different parts at different times) is what part of my body is affected. so it may be normal for someone to get up early for work, go for a jog or whatever, come home eat breakfast or not and take a shower and go to work for 8 or more hours then come home and clean and whatever else and all is cool. sometimes with MS you can wake up and be so stiff from your muscle spasms all night you can barely get out of bed, make it to the bathroom and go pee, wash your face and then you’re so completely exhausted from that you could literally go to sleep for a few hours! there’s been times that when i get in the shower and i wash my hair, i’m so exhausted i get out, put a towel on my head and go take a nap and then continue my shower, i’m not joking. you get up and just to bring a hamper of clothes in the laundry room and start the washer….. another nap. some days it’s just sooo hard to get anything done. my dr gave me some medicine to help keep me awake. i have to take it every couple of hours just to go thru a normal day. i have fallen asleep at my register at work plenty of times, they tell me to go home and i’ve had to take a nap in my car until i felt ok enough to drive home. granted i only work 5 hours shifts, but i am on my feet that whole 5 hours. heat worsens your symptoms by the way, so the whole 5 hours i’m there standing up, walking around and doing stuff i’m getting drenched in sweat…. my feet and back are hurting so badly… and if i end up getting off late, i feel that much worse! so if someone is planning for me to come over before work or after work, it usually doesn’t happen. i am exhausted and in so much pain. speaking of the pain, just to stand up and do dishes at the sink, or to cook dinner, or to prep my item to bake or cook, i have to sit on a stool the whole time because of the pain.
so i’ve never really been into kids. not even when i was a kid… but a really good friend had invited me to their kid’s party. i had to work, but i planned on going. i ended up getting off about 30 mins late from work and the party had started a few hours earlier. having lost my phone for the millionth time, i was so glad to have her number saved on my home phone and called as soon as i got home. remember earlier when i said how exhausted and painful i am after working and especially if i get off late???? well the next day i found my phone and saw her text. things are kind of weird and i’m not really sure how to respond. it’s the previous situation explained all over again. only this time it would seriously hurt me to have this friendship ended. i understand that i cancel a lot. i really wanted to go and had planned on being there, but i got off late and got home about an hr before the party would have been over, mikey was already asleep and i went to bed early as well. but it was just another thing i cancelled. :( i suck at the whole friendship thing. but i thought i was being considerate instead of waking up my sleeping baby to be crying the whole time i was there, for me to fall asleep over there and just make everyone miserable. i thought i was doing the right thing? i’m not really sure what to do or say to fix this??? but i felt like shit and cried about it for a while…. good thing we didn’t go anywhere this evening. remember how i say every few days my dose goes up (until i get to the regular dose amount), well i’ve been in the bathroom since i got home… :( at least i didn’t have anything to cancel out on this time! I’M SORRY!!! you know who you are.
the meaning of my life…
so today i went to my therapist per joey’s insistance… like you’ve heard me say a million times already, i can’t get over how i almost died! she asked why i think i lived, why did i pull through? ummm…. medicine, dr’s and modern technology?! i have no idea what answer she’s looking for? so i say i’m not a religious person if that’s where she’s going with this. but my assignment for the week is to find out the meaning of my life. why am i here? um… because my parents had unprotected sex? that’s usually how people get here right? i’m pretty sure tho that’s not the reason she’s looking for.
a doctor- their whole purpose in life (well maybe not their WHOLE purpose) is to help people, to cure people, to save lives… i am very grateful to the wonderful doctors i had and the nursing staff. i had a wonderful group of people and wonderful care while i was there. i would love to do something wonderful for them to show my appreciation, but i’m lazy so it will probably never happen.
me? i’m not sure my purpose for being here. i’m not sure what the meaning of my life is. i guess i’ve always seen myself as the stay at home mom you’ve seen on tv wearing the apron and baking something in the kitchen… i’ve always pictured myself as that… i’d like to go to college, but for what? nothing too in particular that makes me go apply to anywhere.
like chelly… chelly has a dream to be a lawyer. she’s worked her way up at her job and recently graduated college and is now going to law school. yeah life will be a little rough for a little bit until she’s done and get’s going with things, but she knows what she wants and she’s out there to go get it.
andrea… same thing. she wants to be a lawyer in the navy. she’s done with college and working on an mba, i’m not too sure what that is, but i’m guessing her masters?
katie, kori and so many others have gone to college, gotten their degrees and are helping mold the young minds of our future. i beg of you to help some of these children who need to be smacked upside the head!!!
me? i graduated high school and got married and became a house wife. almost 8 years later and now i’m a mommy. i’m basically a cashier at a local hardware store working min. wage, crappy hours, treated like garbage, and all because i never did anything to further my education. but i don’t have the drive to do anything with my life. just be a mommy and housewife.
i’m content with that. i’m content with just staying home and taking care of my family. so i guess if i really had to think and pick a reason, the meaning of my life is to be a great mom and wife. i can’t think of any other reason why i’m here unless it’s to find fabulous sales…?!?!? ;o)
so call me a hermit…
a couple weeks ago i started feeling run down, then i noticed a tickle in my throat and then fever, chills and sweats… next i know i can’t even lean over i’m in so much pain and everytime i breathe it feels like i’m being stabbed. i go to the dr not being able to breathe and having severe chest pain… i had propped a bunch of pillows up so i could try to sleep at night and had to sleep with a heating pad because of all the pain. well so i go to the dr and turns out i have pneumonia. i’ve heard of it, but didn’t really know what it was, the dr said it wasn’t contagious and i was relieved for mikey… the dr gave me some medicine and said he wanted to see me in a week. didn’t quite get that far… a couple days later i woke joey up telling him he had to take me to the er i thought i was going to die. i could barely breathe, i thought i couldn’t breathe before…. i really couldn’t breathe now! so we go to camp lejeune naval hospital er. they took me immediately, that’s never happened before. they took me back and got some x-rays and then admitted me immediately to icu.
they said i had severely low potassium (i don’t really know what all this means except maybe i didn’t eat enough bananas?) among other stuff. they hooked me up to some serious iv antibiotics and pain meds. bless you people!!!! and i felt drastically better so quickly!!! however all the blood tests and other stuff proved otherwise. they came in with a needle and stuck it thru my back to test the fluid that was filling up in or on my lungs, not really sure. (most of my stay in icu is a blur, but what i remember, i remember well.) dr mckay says it’s infected and they have to put a chest tube in me. they drained over a liter of fluid (i’m not really sure just how much that is, but i think it’s a lot…) i still feel like i’m going to die, but they keep me pretty medicated, thank you again!!! :)
i had an acute relapse while in icu and couldn’t walk or feel my right side, they ended up giving me a catheder for a couple days. they said normally when something like that would happen they’d all freak out giving me all kinds of tests and stuff, but knowing about my MS helped save time and $.
like i said, most of my stay is a blur… but i remember them coming in my room one night and squirting this liquid in my nostrils and i almost choked on it to run tests… turns out i had the flu! yay… what else?! so now i’m in quarantine and anyone who came in my room had to wear a mask and i wasn’t allowed visitors.
i felt so lonely in icu. no one called, no one came to see me… i missed my baby so much. turns out, lots of people called and joey and my mom came to see me! oh and i apparantly felt the need to keep calling in sick to work everyday (still on maternity leave so i wasn’t on the schedule to go back yet) and to text people stuff that didn’t make sense. here i felt soooo unloved, and so many people did love me and were concerned and checked on me. yeah i feel like a retard.
so one day like a week after i was there the dr came in with a smile on his face and said he had great news, today was the first day i was no longer septic. ok… he explained how serious it all was. how both of my lungs had been collapsed, how the infected fluid made me septic and that meant the infection got in my blood stream and that had i waited any longer to go in the er, i’d have died. woah, you just got my attention. i almost died!? so he goes on to tell me how great it is that today is the first day i’m no longer septic and that was great news. i would live. yeah that’s great, but i almost died?! suddenly it’s all i can think of. how close i was to joey waking up next to a dead person because i felt too sick to go to the dr and i wanted to be strong and tough it out… how i almost missed seeing my son grow up, how i almost missed having more kids and seeing them grow up and get married and have kids of their own. i almost missed being a grandma (i know i only had my first kid a couple months ago, i’m rushing things….). so i go on to live and all i can focus on is how i almost died. i can’t get it out of my head…
i’m not really sure how it happened, or why… but one day they were taking me for more x-rays and ct scans to check on the fluid and what not and on the way back to my room (maybe it was getting out of my room that did it???) anyway, i just kinda flipped out. i said they had to let me go home or else heavily sedate me, i couldn’t stand to be away from mikey any longer. that was it. i was going to be a maniac if something wasn’t done and done soon! so with the dr approval and me swearing that i had help at home and that i’d go back every couple of days for a check up they let me leave.
STUPID!!!! i come home, and i’m in so much pain i can barely move or breathe, can’t bring those wonderful iv drugs home with me… :( so yes, as embarrassing as it is i will admit it, i needed assistance in the bathroom. i don’t remember too much of it when i was in the hospital, but then again i was getting wonderful iv meds and most of it was a blur. and of course the meds they send me home with give me diarrhea… thank god my mom is here is all i have to say…
so i’ve been home almost a week now, man time has flown by! i just now feel like ok i might live… i get really run down really easy. i take lots of naps. i’m hungry but i get sick everytime i eat and they say it’s normal with the pharmacy they sent home with me… i had to wait after having mikey cuz of my c section to be able to excercise again (and it’s killing me!!!), i just get the ok and i almost die from pneumonia “with complications” and the flu. so i still can’t excercise. :( not like i can really complain about it tho, i’m just starting to be able to really talk again without gasping for air and stuff, how can i really expect to go walking and other excercising right now!?
so joey thinks i’ve got a problem because i don’t want to leave the house. i don’t want anyone’s germs. “you make me sick” is a literal term right now. i have a compromised immune system because of my MS and i’m not recovered yet…. and the dr said i almost died!!! no i don’t want to go in public where sick people are and get their germs. they might just finish me off! so yes, i’m afraid to go in joey’s truck because someone who was sick was recently in there. i’m afraid, no i’m TERRIFIED to go to my dr appts because hospitals are where sick people go, and i don’t need anymore sickness! hello, i almost died! i don’t want your cooties!!! so joey says i have a problem. this is no way to live and i need to go see someone about this. i don’t think it’s that weird. because i feel a little run down and then almost die… who knows how i got sick? i was at the dr’s recently before i got sick for mikey to get his shots and for his colic, next i know i’m in the hospital and almost die. i could have caught something when i went to the dr’s office, which is where sick people go with their cooties…. and how many people in retail (or anywhere for that matter) go to work sick?! yeah, let me go to the grocery store for food and bring home a sickness and wind me back up in the er…
so you people thought i was a germ-a-phobe before?! i’m pretty sure now it’s a ton worse… please keep your cooties to yourself!!!! and please pray for me once mikey starts daycare/school….
this feeling is normal right? to almost die and not want to leave the house for fear of catching something that will finish the job…. that’s normal. it has to be.