Tracey this is what I was talking about today.

This shall be my song. To help me up when I get knocked down… When I’m down, but NOT out! When things get rough… I will know they are not impossible. Hear me roar, even if it’s only on the inside… ;)

When they come back…

Crazy when you think about deployments and reintegration.  Imagine going away from home for almost a yr and then coming back to find that sooo much has changed in your town (construction, new road patterns, new stores/restaurants, and so much more!!!) and that’s not even including stuff like tv shows, movies, music and other stuff like that!  I sit here jamming to good music as Joey is listening to the top 100 songs trying to get familiar with what’s going on in music and I’m completely in…  awe? of what it must be like.  It really is crazy what our military goes through because of deployments.  

On another note, he’s doing so well without having cable!  :)  He says he’s trying, he’s really really trying.  I’m curious to figure out exactly how much we have saved not having cable all year.  I honestly expected him to have already said, “um football is about to start and I need to watch that and Dexter so you better call and have them turn it back on!”  That may very well still happen (turning the cable back on), but it’s nice while it lasts not having it hooked up.  :)  Honestly, we don’t watch enough tv to pay that much for it and not to mention, we had to pay a lot in order to have the DVR, which we did actually use.  

The hardest part of transition/reintegration for me would have to be bedtime!  Last night I had to kick him out.  He slept with Mikey.  Crazy ridiculous having to wear a face mask and ear plugs, taking a sleeping pill and still being bothered.  Between, “Melissa get out of the middle of the bed” to “Melissa please get back on your side” to “OMG JOEY STOP SNORING!!!!!!” and finally, “Will you please go for coffee?!!?!?” (<- inside joke) I just had to kick him out.  Otherwise there might have been a murder last night!  I was finally able to fall back asleep and got a good amount, except when he and the elf came in to wake me up.  :ol  It was almost 11am, but still…  Well, I guess another hard part of transition for me would be losing my monster child now that he’s daddy’s shadow again.  :’(  I mean, it’s good that he hasn’t been all, “I don’t know you so don’t touch me” or something similar, it’s great that they had that instant bond again, I just miss my little guy.  :’(  I have become invisible!

I think a hard part of reintegration for Mikey would be everytime Joey steps outside, to get the mail, to answer the door, to get something from his car, or to go to work.  Mikey thinks he’s leaving him again to go work far far away.  I had to keep reminding him of that book, ‘My Daddy went to Iraq, but I want him back!’  ”Do you remember when Jake’s daddy came home and they had dinner together and the next morning they had breakfast together and then Jake’s daddy had to go to work, but he promised to be home for dinner?”  yes. “He came home for dinner, didn’t he?”  yes. “Daddy has to go to work and he’ll be home for dinner.”  :(  <- him  And then when Joey came home from work around dinner time, Mikey’s face lit up. :)  However, several times throughout the day he kept checking the garage to see if he came home yet.

UPDATE: we have cable again, for a few days now…  Just as before, barely watched!

Recently I joined a few more support groups on FB and I have to say that at first I was really scared by everything I was reading and I kept on reading and I’m so glad I did!  Now after hearing so many experiences and their tips of learning the hard way, I feel more ready.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still scared, but I feel more prepared.  

It kills me though the stuff I’m reading…  I can’t get over that people actually think they “contracted” MS from someone, think they got it from a head injury and that it can be cured by a specific diet.  I hear that ignorance is bliss though…  Not really sure it should be called ignorance though, what they have…  more like STUPIDITY!!!!  I’d say that anyone knows there’s no cure for MS, it’s not a catch-able disease and you can’t get it from a head injury, but they apparantly don’t know that.  So I guess I can’t…

Well, it’s a little before 8pm, however, I’m feeling all sorts of run down and sick.  I developed a cold throughout the day and well, I’m going to take a strong dose of whatever I can find around the house to help me sleep and not hurt as much.  

Good night and sweet dreams everyone.  :)

Went to neuro yesterday.  Discussed my options and looks like as soon as insurance approves it, I’ll be taking one of the new pill forms of MS treatment.  No more shots.  I’m nervous, as anyone would be I’m sure…  Kind of funny how you take medicine to combat one thing, yet the side effects seem so not worth it!  I’m hoping for a positive outcome.

so to continue from yesterday…  we’re going to have a little work out area “home gym” and i’m totally excited about it!  with a 3 yr old, i can’t always make it to the gym, because now they have less availability in the drop in area on base.  :(  but now i’ll be able to work out at home, keeping up my strength, good for my health and to work on the smokin hot body underneath all this insulation…  ;)  i have some high hopes.  let’s hope i can climb that mountain!  :)

A lot has dawned on me lately…  I was feeling badly about myself seeing the numbers on the scale going up instead of down.  You see I’ve been working out and trying to lose weight, but my mistake was weighing myself.  Then today I put on my clothes and they felt like I had been wearing them all day, loose and comfy.  Didn’t click in yet….  I’m going about my day, walking…walking…walking, lifting, squatting, etc.  Only when I look in my rear view window on my drive home and see my 3 yr old passed out did it hit me- i’ve just been listening to Disney Kid’s on Sirius for the past 30 minutes while he’s been snoring, yes snoring! and How awesome that I wore HIM out instead of the other way around, which is how it usually is!  So it must be muscle weight and not I’m getting bigger weight.  :)

Got my order in, finally…  I LOVE MY SCENTSY SWEAT SHIRT!!!!  :)  

The antenna situation….  I cancelled cable to save us some $, because well, we honestly didn’t watch it that much and we were paying for every channel available!  Well, the first one I got- you get what you pay for!  (it was only $10)  But tonight after hooking up the second one, I have that independent confidence I used to have.  oh, and a huge smile!  :)  I have forgotten what it feels like to really accomplish something.  It’s been relapse after relapse and literally losing half of my body.  It takes it’s toll on your emotions.  Your self confidence. 

I’m hungry for dinner now so this will have to be a ttyl post.  ;)

Just know…  I’M FEELING GREAT!!!  about myself, about life, about you name it!  :)  things are starting to fall into place!  :)

may or may not, that is the question.

lately it has been hitting me just how uncertain the future is.  what if we can’t ride out the rest of his career?  we have no plan.  what will we do?  where will we go?  how will we financially survive?  the ant and the grasshopper story keeps flashing thru my head a lot lately.  we have not prepared.  for anything.  we have not prepared for anything.  i have no idea what i can even do.  neither of us knows what we want after usmc.  at this moment i wish we could go back knowing what we know now.  it would save a lot of anxiety on my part.  if only we could go back knowing what we know now.  but we can’t, so we have to start today.  what will we do?  i have no idea!  where will we go?  now that i’m actually starting to like our house, i think i’d like to stay in this house as long as we possibly can.  how will we be able to afford the mortgage?  how do you decide what to do when you have no idea just what it is you want to do?!  what to do… what to do…  i have no idea!

as a military person or spouse you should never ever get comfortable somewhere because that day will come when they tell you that you are going to (insert location here).  and there’s nothing you can do about it!  that’s my possible situation as of currently.  we’ve been here 10 yrs.  we haven’t been like so many that when you get somewhere you unpack your stuff, you learn your area, you make some friends, you get your ducks in a row only to have to pack your stuff and go somewhere else to do it all over again.  we were lucky.  we’re kinda settled.  this became home.  i have to try to remember back when we got married a little over 10 years ago and i left the only place i had ever known and all the people i ever knew.  it was a struggle for me.  but the difference between then and now is that we have a house we’re responsible for and if we can’t get someone in asap we’re screwed.  i fear we’ll lose this house.  it is something HUGE and no wonder i have anxiety abt it.  also we have 3 dogs, where can we go with 3 dogs?  if we get base housing only 2 dogs allowed, then how do you choose which one is no longer a member of the family?  how do you get rid of so much of your belongings because you will not again get a 2600+ sq ft house?  how do u not freak out with this big of a change?  how do you handle going to the other side of the country where you will know no one and no where?  especially when you have so many health conditions.  if i was a “normal” person i don’t think i’d be freaking out as bad, i’d still be freaking out don’t get me wrong, but i don’t think it would be as bad.  this is so terrifying.  but i have no voice in this, it’s not my job on the line, it’s my husband’s.  i go where he goes.  i have to keep telling myself that.  it’s not up to me.  i have to get my big girl panties on and learn how to deal with this completely terrifying possible change that may or may not happen.  and that’s another thing.  i don’t have a time line.  it may or may not happen, but i have no idea when we’ll find out.  should i start packing now to make it easier for me later?  or do i even need to do that cuz we’re staying?  i really hate this, just hanging in there and you’ll let me know when you let me know.  in the meantime…  trying to control my intense anxiety of this may or may not happen situation.  

…until next time…

once upon a time?

so where do i begin?  if only i knew then what i know now…  if only there was a do over in life.  i’d give one of my 9 lives to do it all over again, if i knew then what i know now.  but i’m not a cat either.  i know they say there are no mistakes in life, that everything happens for a reason and it’s a life lesson.  it’s something that makes us who we are.  i don’t want to be who i am tho.  i wanna go back to who i was.  i want to be oblivious to everything, happy and hopeful.  innocent.  believe only good things happen.  i want to go back under my rock.  it’s all my fault tho because i let it happen.  i never said no.  but this isn’t how it played out in my head either.  

i want to go back to playing barbies under my grandma’s coffee table.  i want to go back to the summers i spent with my grandparents.  i want to go back to the days of playing game after game of rummy with my mom and singing christmas songs in the dreadful heat of july in south florida.  i want to go back to those summers i spent on the water fishing and catching a tan in the breeze.  i want to go back when my biggest disappointment was that i misunderstood my math test when it had pictures of stuff and i was literal about “how many are left” and i got every answer wrong, because i counted the ones on the left.  not only did the teacher write that she was disappointed because she knew i could do better, but i was disappointed that it didn’t really mean how many are left.  :(  but that’s life, it’s not all what you think it is.  and i’m pretty sure i’d give myself an ‘F’ at this test too.  i did not sit back and read all the questions and think ahead before i answered.  i just leaped with the hope that it would all turn out ok.  and with this, i know i could have done so much better- i am disappointed in myself yet again.

people keep telling me “that doesn’t happen in real life, only in the movies”.  well then, i wish i was in a movie.  so if this was a movie it would go something like this: my character wouldn’t be the lead because i don’t need to be the focus of the story, but i would like to be an important part of the story.  my character would have a best friend she’s had all her life and they can practically finish each others thoughts without thinking what would come next.  she would have her mom throughout the entire film, cuz every girl needs her mom.  i know my life would be a whole lot better if mine was still in it.  :’(  she would have that great father-daughter relationship where she was his little girl and he called her princess or pumpkin even when she was no longer a little girl.  i can’t go more into detail on the father-daughter relationship because i would have no idea on how to relate to that.  and i wouldn’t exactly know what i’d want her to have either.  she would have an awesome older brother who was super protective over her.  and they would like play basket ball in the drive way everyday or something awesome like that.  he’d drive her to school everyday and warn her about what guys are really like.  she’d also have a younger sister.  someone she could sign out of school “for a dr appt” and really head to get an icecream and a movie with.  she’d be the cool older sister and teach her younger sister all about make up and boys and stuff like that.  every week they’d have a family game night, which everyone kept doing even after high school because they all went to college not far from home and were even able to make the family dinner every sunday with grandma and grandpa.  and one day when she meets the man of her dreams it is an instant “you just know they’re THE ONE” kinda moment.  her family accepts him as one of their own and his family loves her with open arms.  it’s sickeningly perfect.  he is romantic, but not too romantic.  after dating for a year and things are pretty serious and they both feel like they really couldn’t live without the other one, he goes to her parents one day while she is at work or school or having a girl’s day with her little sister, and he tells them how much he loves their little girl and he would love for their blessing to ask her to marry him.  her dad smiles and nods and her mom is smiling with tears in her eyes, they look to each other and then to him and at the same time say, “yes of course!” and i haven’t quite figured out the proposal yet, but it’s something to be remembered!  maybe they are out to dinner one night and he pops the question?  maybe he takes her on a hot air balloon ride?  or.. or.. or..  who knows how it happens, but the important thing is that it does happen.  and it totally takes her breath away and brings happy tears to her eyes.  they both are very involved in the wedding planning, he is as excited about the big day as she is.  her dad walks his little princess down the aisle and gives her to her prince.  he asks her older brother to be his best man, and her bff is of course her brides maid.  they go on the most romantic honeymoon and buy a house in their home town near both of their parents.  makes the weekly game night and sunday dinners a tradition to carry on and his parents now join in.  it is the greatest love story.  it is the greatest life story.  and as every story should end, and the all lived happily ever after.

this will have to be edited and finished later because i have a screaming 2 year old to tend to at the moment…  :ol

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